


burned out

by aphantasiac



Series: The Jankie/Dodie Series [3]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Highschool AU, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian AU, Mentions of past sexual assault, Panic Attacks, Song Inspired, burned out by dodie clark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:40:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23780947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphantasiac/pseuds/aphantasiac
Summary: "oh you can feel how they love you. coated and warm but that's all they can do. words only cut through if they're sharp"aka jan puts on a smile and continues with her life. jackie reminds her that its okay to not be okay.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: The Jankie/Dodie Series [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704244
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	burned out

**Author's Note:**

> took me a couple of days to write this because i really only have 1 braincell, and even then it's still kinda messy. the last two have been jackie's side of things so this one is more jan's side of things. enjoy!

Jan tries not to think about it. She's stuck in a daze for the next couple of days, scared that if she allows herself to think, she won't be able to stop all the bad feelings that come with those thoughts.

Jackie drives her home the day after the incident, but not before making it clear that if Jan wanted to stay she could. Jan tells her that it's fine, that her parents are waiting for her, that she has other stuff to do, and Jackie also makes it clear that she's only a phone call away. Jan is grateful for Jackie, wonders why they ever drifted apart in the first place. They were such good friends.

The party was on a Friday night, so Jan has all weekend to be alone with herself. She keeps it together for a while, if keeping it together is laying in bed watching Netflix and neglecting the school work in her bag or any self care. She's still in the flannel Jackie gave her to wear, hasn't taken it off once since she put it on at Jackie's house. It's probably dirty, probably needs a wash, but it still smells like Jackie and Jan doesn't want to take it off.

Jan catches a glimpse of herself in her phone's reflection. Her hair is messy, greasy. She probably needs a wash too. 

She procrastinates getting up to shower all day, until the sun has set and the natural light in her room is gone. Jan finally pulls herself up and out of her bed at around midnight, takes off the flannel and the rest of her clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor. She gathers some clean clothes and a towel and slips into the bathroom next to her room.

The lights flick on, and Jan finally catches a glimpse of herself in the big bathroom mirror. Her neck is dotted with small purple-red marks still, and there's finger shaped bruises on her side. Her hair is a mess, her eyes have dark bags under them, and her skin is pale. Tears well up in her eyes as her fingers trace over the painful marks, and all those bad thoughts and feelings flood into her brain. 

Jan tries to wash it all away. Scrubs at her body and her hair and her heart and hopes maybe when she gets out it'll all be gone, it'll all be okay. Knows that it doesn't work like that.

Jan must have been in there for at least an hour, because it's already 1am when she's back in her bed. She foregoes the clean t-shirt she picked out and slips into Jackie's flannel again, and wonders if maybe she should call the brunette. It's late and they have school the next day, but maybe Jackie will want to see her, or even just chat on the phone. Jan picks up her phone, scrolls to the number Jackie typed into her cellphone.

And then she doesn't, because she remembers now why they drifted apart. She remembers how busy Jackie had gotten, she remembers how tired and stressed the girl had become. It would be selfish to call her so late and keep her awake on a school night.

Jan puts her phone down, turns over in her bed and doesn't try to stop the tears that leave a damp spot on her pillow. She'll see Jackie tomorrow, anyways.

\- - - - - - - - 

At school, Jan smiles bright when she sees her friends, because that's the Jan they're use to seeing. She'd like to mope around and let herself feel bad, or even better just go back home, but she doesn't. Can't. Every one knows Jan as this happy and bright little ball of sunshine, athletic with a voice to be reckoned with and the heart of an angel. They depend on her to bring that light everyday, to be okay and to brighten the room. She's never not been that girl for them, doesn't think she's allowed to not be that girl, even for a day.

Jan forces herself into some light makeup and ties her hair up in her signature half-up bun and no one asks why she's not as talkative that day. They all probably assume she's just resting her voice for choir. it wouldn't be the first time.

They don't ask, until the topic of the party comes up at lunch. They talk back and forth about who was there, how much alcohol they consumed and who hooked up with who. Jan stays out of the conversation, until Gigi looks at her with a curious look.

"You totally disappeared though, Jan. Like, I couldn't find you anywhere. What happened?"

Jan bites her tongue. Wants to snap at Gigi, tell her that she left her alone with that guy and now she's too scared to ever go to another party or even just take a sip of alcohol. She doesn't, because she knows what happened to her is not Gigi's fault. She just shrugs, looks down.

"I left. It was boring." 

Gigi doesn't buy it, Jan cans see it in her eyes, but everyone else seems to believe her so she doesn't push it. "To each their own, I guess."

Jan is grateful for that. Gigi comes off as the popular and pretty and snobby girl of the school, but Jan has known her for years, knows that she not only has a wicked eye for fashion and makeup, but is also extremely funny and sweet. People joke all the time that Gigi and Jan are competing to be the most popular girl in school, but the reality of it is that Gigi has been one of Jan's best friends since her and Jackie parted ways, and popularity will never break that.

Jan is grateful for Gigi, who gives her a warm smile and then turns the attention away from her and onto Nicky and Sakura, interrogating them on their drunken makeout at the party. Jan doesn't hear a word of it after that, tunes out all of the voices around her. She'll force smiles when everyone else laughs to keep up the facade, but her mind isn't there. It's nowhere, its empty and quiet and it's the only thing making all this party-talk bearable. Jan just wants to forget about that party, wants to forget any of that happened. She wants to be back in her bed right now, watching Netflix.

No, Jan wants to be in Jackie's bed again, tucked under her arm and safe.

If anyone notices Jan's weird behavior, no one questions it. No one questions why she skips class to go hide in the theater room during her math class in particular, or why she lies to her coach so she can miss soccer practice and catch a ride with Jackie that afternoon.

Jan almost misses Jackie, sees the brunette walking to her car and calls out her name. Jackie's smile is warm, soft, and It makes Jan feel just a little better.

Jackie drives Jan home, and not a lot of words are passed between them, except for Jackie gently grabbing Jan's hand before she steps out of the car and reminding her that she's always right there if she ever needs something.

Jan still doesn't call her. Doesn't call her when she's laying in her bed that night and she can't sleep, doesn't call her when she's trying to figure out how to cover up bruises so she can wear her favorite tank top again. Doesn't call her the next day, or the day after that, even when Jackie drives her home for the third day in a row and that same templated sentence comes out of Jackie's mouth like she's programmed to say it.

"Remember, my phone is always on if you need anything. Bye, Jan!"

\- - - - - - - - 

On Thursday, Jan's facade shatters. 

She's done so well pretending that she's okay. Pretending that she's not completely uncomfortable when Jaida invites her to another party this weekend. Pretending that she's not totally zoned out when the girls talk about what they're going to wear. Pretending that she's not extremely terrified when a couple of football boys walk by their table and she makes eye contact with the guy that had done this to her.

His gaze makes it feel like there's knives piercing through her body in every place he left a mark. She looks away, keeps her mouth shut when some of the girls at the table start to whisper about how hot those boys are. She feels sick, scared, excuses herself from the table with a fake smile and just leaves the cafeteria as fast as she can because, well, she's scared.

Jan escapes to the choir room, slides in quietly even tho there's no one in there, and hides in one of the small practice rooms attached to the main room. The teacher knows Jan, likes her, Jan is one of her best singers and so she doesn't really care that sometimes Jan skips in there. Jan has never been so grateful to be a teacher's pet than she is now.

She shuts herself inside the small room, and has a moment to breathe. Only a moment though, because the panic blooms in her brain, and it's thorny roots crawl down Jan's neck, spine, arms, legs, engulfs her body until she's pulled down to the floor and the tears escape her eyes.

It's just the way he looked at her, the gaze in his eyes like a hunter stalking prey, and not in the cute sexy way. In a way that made Jan actually feel like prey, like she wasn't safe there or anywhere anymore, and next time Jackie might not be there to save her from his nasty claws. 

Jan is in there for a while, longer than she thought because lunch has come to an end and she can hear the next class of choir students fill in the classroom outside of the door. Jan has english right now, but she's shaking and crying and she just hopes Nicky is too busy drawing hearts around Sakura's name to notice that Jan isn't there.

Jan buries her head in her arms, tries to will the thoughts and panic and tears and fears back into the small box in her mind she's been holding it all in. She only looks up when the door opens suddenly, and she realizes she never locked it. 

"Oh, sorry! I just- Jan?"

It's Jackie. Thank the heavens it's just Jackie. Thank the heavens it's not some random choir kid who would bring all the attention on the weird crying girl in the practice room. Thank the heavens it's Jackie, who closes the door and kneels down and scoops Jan into her arms.

"Jan, honey, what's going on?" Jackie asks in a soft voice, holds Jan so delicately in her arms and doesn't mind the tear stain Jan is leaving on her pink shirt when she leans into Jackie. 

Jan sniffles, wipes her eyes and doesn't care that her mascara is probably smudged and ruined. She wants to tell Jackie, wants to spill it all out and just let herself be engulfed in the healing light that is Jackie's arms. Thinks it would be so easy to just come right out with how she's feeling, how she's pretending. Decides that she shouldn't, that Jackie doesn't deserve to hear all of Jan's hurt, doesn't deserve the burden that is Jan. 

But then Jackie's fingers brush against her cheek, tucks blonde locks behind her ear and looks down at her with those pretty brown eyes. Jackie's gaze isn't like that guy's dirty, hungry gaze. No, Jackie's eyes are full of concern and affection and kindness and warmth and trust and love and Jan just doesn't stand a chance. 

"I just...he just..." Jan feels out of breath from crying, and now she's frustrated because her mind and her mouth wont connect. Jackie shushes her, soothes her with her fingers in her hair. Jan tries again when she can actually breathe and say actual sentences.

"I'm just so tired. So scared...I can't even be in the same room as him without having a complete fucking breakdown." Jan wipes her eyes again as the tears resurface, and she takes a shaky breath. "And everyone wants me to be me, you know? Like, i'm Jan. I'm happy, smiley, singing Jan. But i'm so tired, it's so hard to be that girl all the time..." 

She's crying again, trying to keep quiet while she crumbles in front of Jackie once more and the brunette is using her thumbs to gently swipe tears off her cheeks. 

"Hey, hey, look at me." Jackie says, her heart breaking from seeing Jan like this again, but she's more focused on putting Jan back together first. Jan looks up at her with wet eyes. "It's okay to not feel okay." Jackie says, thumbs gently brushing over the damp and pink skin on Jan's cheeks, "You don't have to pretend, especially around me. You don't owe anything to anyone, you're allowed to feel how you feel whenever you feel it." 

Jackie's voice is still gentle, but its also serious and pointed just enough to cut through the stubborn barricades of Jan's mind and really seep in. It's what she needed to hear. It feels like she's getting permission to finally feel again, and finally stop pretending to be okay.

Jan nods and smiles small for Jackie, who gives her one of those precious smiles that makes Jan feel warm inside no matter what she was feeling just a minuet ago.

But then Jackie bites her bottom lip, and Jan can tell she's holding something back.

"Why didn't you tell me though, Jan?"

Jan knew that question would come eventually. She looks down, stares at where her own fingers are picking at the long fabric of Jackie's skirt. "I don't know. I thought I could deal with it myself." She shrugs, "Didn't want to bother you either, you seem so busy with school and all.."

Jackie smiles, shakes her head. "You could never bother me. I told you i'm available whenever and I mean it, okay?"

Jan nods again, feels blessed to have Jackie in her life again. She missed her friend, wishes they never stopped talking in the first place.

It's silent for a while, the two just enjoying being there with each other, and Jan realizes that this class is probably going to end soon. "I don't wanna go to my other classes." Jan mumble and rests her head on Jackie's shoulder. She just has a headache at this point from all the stressing and crying. She looks up at Jackie, bats her lashes a bit and hopes she understands what she's trying to get at.

Jackie raises an eyebrow, and then sighs and chuckles because of course she understands what Jan really means. Jackie never did stand a chance against Jan's puppy dog eyes, and that still proves true years later. "Alright, I get it. Yeah, we can leave." 

Jan's face brightens, and even though her cheeks are red and stained with barely visible black streaks, even though her eyes are puffy and have black smudges under her bottom lashes, Jackie thinks she looks absolutely stunning. 

Later, when they're curled up in Jackie's bed and High School Musical is playing on the t.v. and Jan is singing along to the songs, wearing another of Jackie's shirts because they seem to just be more comfortable than any of the clothes she owns, Jan feels good. For the first time since the night of the party, Jan truly feels okay, because she's back in Jackie's arms where she belongs.


End file.
